Brazil Stands up to Murkan Pharma: a short play

Enter ABBOTT, an American pharmaceutical company, talking on a cellular phone

ABBOTT

And so I said, “If God didn’t want me to take advantage of quadriplegics He would have given them legs to walk to my competitors.” Anyway, I’ve gotta go. I’m meeting with Bolivia or something.

Enter BRAZIL

BRAZIL

Hello, ABBOTT. Do you have those AIDS drugs we discussed?

ABBOTT

Sure, we got plenty of Keletra, right here.

BRAZIL

Good. Now, how about the price. Did you drop it like we agreed?

ABBOTT

Sure thing! We dropped it down from $1.60 to $1.17 per unit, just like you asked.

BRAZIL

No, we wanted you to drop it down to $0.48.

ABBOTT

But that’s just stupid. There’s no way we can get it that low. We’d go bankrupt.

BRAZIL arches an eyebrow

ABBOTT

Okay, well, we wouldn’t go bankrupt. But do you know how much it costs to develop this stuff? Hundreds of millions of dollars. American dollars, not pesos.

BRAZIL

Keletra made you 897 million dollars in sales last year.

ABBOTT

Yeah, but we’ve got overheads and stuff.

BRAZIL

We’ve projected over two hundred thousand people needing these drugs in 2008. We’re talking about giving you 175 million dollars per year. You can afford to drop your prices.

ABBOTT

You can’t cheap out on me like this. You’ve got two hundred thousand Bolivians who need our product. You are putting your desire to cut healthcare spending ahead of patients’ needs for new and better treatments.

BRAZIL

Well, I’m not going to beg. I’ll just hire some chemists and make my own.

ABBOTT

You can’t do that! Keletra’s patented. I’ll fucking sue you into the ground.

BRAZIL

Really? What’s the patent number?

ABBOTT

We’ve got US patent 5,846,987, and US patent 5,886,036, and…

BRAZIL

No, what’s your Brazilian patent number?

ABBOTT

Um…

BRAZIL

That’s right, bitch.

ABBOTT

But that’s not fair! I’m a Murkan, dammit!

BRAZIL

Yeah, I’ve dealt with your kind before. You have ten days to drop your price to 48 cents or we’re going to make our own generic Keletra. Now get off my property.