MURKA
We are the most powerful country in the world, so let’s help some people! Oh, look, there are some impoverished brown people. Hello, impoverished brown people.
AFRICA
Hi, Murka.
MURKA
How’s it going, Africa?
AFRICA
Bad.
MURKA
Why bad?
AFRICA
We’ve got an AIDS epidemic and millions of people are dying each year.
MURKA
That sure sounds bad. Well, here’s some money. If you’ll just sign these papers, thank you.
AFRICA
Oh, thank you, Murka. Wait… What’s this about not distributing condoms?
MURKA
Ah, yes. Our medical experts have determined that the best way to prevent HIV and AIDS is by abstaining from sex.
AFRICA
Well, that follows, I guess, but…
MURKA
So in order to qualify for this help you need to assure us that you will engage in abstinence-until-marriage and fidelity education. Distributing condoms will only encourage people to have more sex.
AFRICA
But it’ll be safe sex. And besides, abstinence-only education doesn‘t work. And what about all the people getting infected by their spouses?
MURKA
Nonsense. That’s all liberal hippie propaganda. Do you want the money or not?
AFRICA
Well… we are in dire straits over this…
MURKA
Well, there you go. And also, you have to make sure that prostitution is made illegal. Our experts have shown that making stuff illegal is the best way to stop it.
TEXAS
Tell them to ban cheerleading too!
MURKA
Shush.
AFRICA signs the contract, agreeing to spend US funds only on abstinence-until-marriage programs. MURKA cackles and rubs its hands together.
MURKA
Its great to help people, isn’t it? How about you, Brazil? Would you like some financial help with your HIV/AIDS problem?
BRAZIL
Well, sure. We could certainly use a hand. Things are starting to get out of control here.
MURKA
How does $40 million sound?
BRAZIL
Wow, that’s great! Thanks, Murka!
MURKA
If you will just sign this waiver…
BRAZIL
Sure… Hold on, what’s this bit about abstinence-only education?
MURKA
Oh, that’s just the fine print. You don’t have to worry about that.
BRAZIL
But it says here that we’re not allowed to tell people to use condoms.
MURKA
Well, no. See, abstinence works better than condoms.
BRAZIL
That’s stupid. I’m not agreeing to that. And what’s this about prostitution?
MURKA
You have to agree to it, it’s our money. You have to spend the money only on abstinence education and you have to make prostitution illegal and you have to make sure you do everything you can to stamp out prostitution.
BRAZIL
You’re crazy. You think people are going to stop having sex because we say so? No. The best thing to do is to say “Okay, have sex if you like, but do it responsibly. Here’s how to have sex with minimal risk of STD transmission or pregnancy.”
MURKA
Gah, fine! You horny latin animals. But no prostitutes! They’re dirty and they spread disease!
BRAZIL
Not if they use protection as well. We want to make sure that everyone who has sex knows how to do it safely.
MURKA
No! You can’t condone prostitution! That’s like… terrorism or something!
BRAZIL
Sit and swivel
MURKA, fuming, exits still clutching its bag of money. BRAZIL basks in the appplause of millions.
May 5, 2005 @ 8:27 am
May 5, 2005 @ 2:00 pm
June 28, 2005 @ 4:55 pm