The world was shocked to learn today that the Russian girl duo Tatu, long believed to be genuine lesbians and not the sort of girls who make out with each other just to be popular with boys were never gay to begin with. Already on every internet discussion board everywhere is evidence of the chaos this news has stirred up.
“I’m bowled over,” said Michael Caprice*, a member of partisanpolitics.org. “I was enjoying a lively discussion on the enforcability of UN policies when suddenly, wham! This bomb dropped on me. Well, as you can well imagine the whole debate just stopped as people learned the news. I’m just… stunned. Music will never be the same.”
Michael is not the only one to be deeply affected by this shocking news. People everywhere, having previously believed that the teenaged girls’ makeout sessions in front of the camera were expressions of genuine sexual attraction and not a sleazy and exploitative marketing scheme, found their world turned upside-down by the news that “the girls were never lesbians in the first place.”
Mary Demers*, of Canberra, is understandably upset. “Having previously believed that the teenaged girls’ makeout sessions in front of the camera were expressions of genuine sexual attraction and not a sleazy and exploitative marketing scheme, I found my world turned upside-down by the news that the girls were never lesbians in the first place,” she said. Demers once saw one of the duo’s CDs on display in a record store, and so has a lot of history to rewrite. “I have a lot of history to rewrite,” she said, fighting tears. “Ever since that time I saw their CD in the store. I even heard one of their songs once. I still don’t believe something like this could happen.”
For many of those living a fast-paced life among the stars in places like Hollywood, London and Moscow this is just another speedbump, albeit a large one, in the road of celebrity fandom. Still, landmark events like this make us wonder what other truths lie beneath the surface of our idols’ outward appearances. What other celebrities might turn around one day and suddenly announce “I’m straight!”
* To protect their privacy, sources for this article have asked that their names be changed. Please pretend that Michael’s name is Alex and that Mary’s name is Betty.
