I was having a great conversation with Jake recently about the (possibly exaggerated, certainly common) ignorance men have of the Female Orgasm. Specifically, the way it is always spoken about in capitals. You can read the whole conversation here, but a condensed version follows (TMI alert):
[09:48:33] <Jake> Question: When you’re having sex do you need to concentrate at all to come? Like, if you get distracted by other thoughts can that mean that you can’t come until you bring your mind back to the task at.. um.. hand?
[09:49:12] <god> nope. not at all.
[09:49:20] <Jake> k. thanks.
[09:49:21] <god> Well, it can.
[09:49:55] <god> But if someone’s determined to make me come there’s nothing I can do about it short of pushing them away.
[09:50:07] <Jake> I’m thinking this is a male/female thing. Cuz I know I do, and I know lots of women who do. But I’ve known very few (though not zero) men who do.
[09:51:25] <god> If I concentrate on something else, sometimes I can keep myself from coming, but no concentration is required to come.
[09:51:46] <Jake> cool.
[09:51:51] *Jake is slightly envious
[09:52:03] <god> …
[09:52:44] <god> But I’ve always gotten the impression the female orgasm is far more intense.
[09:54:31] <Jake> I think it depends. I mean I’ve been known to have some wimpy orgasms. [...] I think if someone were to make me come just by playing with my clit almost exclusively I would have a more wimpy orgasm. [...]
[09:56:35] <god> That makes sense.
[09:57:25] <god> Then again, some people prefer clitoral orgasms. I guess this gets chalked up to “diff’rent strokes”
[09:58:40] <Jake> yeah, pretty much.
[09:59:24] <god> I have got to stop this conversation, or I’m not going to get any work done.
[09:59:27] <god> holy shit.
[09:59:48] <Jake> heh. whenever I hear or see the phrase “the female orgasm” I always feel like chucking the word “elusive” in there. It just cracks me up, because people act like “the female orgasm” is _one_ thing, you know? Like all women have the exact same orgasm. Obviously I know you didn’t mean it that way, but that’s how a lot of people use it and it always makes me roll my eyes.
[09:59:55] <Jake> ok. sorry. work.
[10:05:40] <god> For most[?] men “the female orgasm” is used like most people use the term “computers”. It’s out there somewhere, they come in contact with it every now and again, but conscious interaction with it is limited to a few rote actions. Plus it has been sensationalized, trivialized and misrepresented by the movie industry.
[10:07:25] <Jake> yeah, I know. It’s just so funny to me, from my queer, feminist bubble, to see such an obvious misunderstanding continually happening.
[10:08:45] <god> I know. I feel the same way about technophobia. Except that… well, imagine you worked on a phone-in orgasm help line for men.
[10:08:53] <god> *shudder*
[10:09:01] <Jake> ugh.
[10:10:36] <Jake> that would be too funny. You know what? I would probably enjoy something like that! Working on a phone line where clueless but well meaning men can call and ask how they can make the women they sleep with happier. I know I would get my fair share of icky calls, but that’s just part of the job. I think sex educator is a job I’d be good at.
[10:15:14] <god> No, not an advice line, a tech support line.
Here’s how I figure it would go:
Hello, welcome to She Comes First tech support.
Hi, is this tech support?
Yes it is, how can I help you?
Hi, she’s not coming. What do I do?
Well, what have you tried so far?
I tried everything. I think she’s broken.
What do you mean “everything?”
I mean everything. Me on top, her on top, doggie style, felt her titties, even spanked her but nothing.
Have you tried going down on her?
No, that’s not the problem.
Well, could you try it and let me know if that works?
Okay, fine… no, nothing.
Sir, you’re going to have to do it longer than that.
Fine, I will.
And pay attention to which parts you’re stimulating.
What do you mean ‘parts?’ She’s only got the female part!
No, I mean the head of the clitoris, the shaft, the hood, and so on.
…
Sir?
Hello, sir? Are you there?
Um… yeah.
You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?
Of course I do! I went to college!
Ri…ight. Okay, I’ll walk you through this.
*sigh* Okay, how long will this take?
That depends on how many times you interrupt me. Start by getting close enough that you can see what you’re doing.
Should the lights be on?
As long as you can see. Now, I want you to separate the labia with your fingers.
Speak English, god damnit! I’m not paying you to spew technical gobbletygook at me!
Fine. The skin-covered fleshy bits on the sides of the… the crease. Where the hole is. Probably with hair on them. Those are the outer labia. I’m going to refer to those two quote-unquote lips as labia from now on, okay?
Fine, so they’re labias. You don’t have to be so god damn patronizing, you know.
Okay, I’d like you to gently separate the labia and look between them. You’ll see a…
HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
Calm down please, sir. It’s supposed to look like that.
No, no, this one’s all wrinkly and bumpy and shit! It must be VD!
Sir, have you taken a good look at your own tackle lately? It’s not exactly pretty, either. I’ll explain the different parts you’re seeing…
[A few minutes later]
Shit, and I have to remember all that? Well then which bit is the one I’m supposed to lick?
Um… it’s not just one bit, sir. And it’s not just licking. Look, I’m just tech support, not a trainer. If you’re really starting from scratch I can recommend a good “For Dummies” book.
You calling me a dummy? I wanna speak to your supervisor!
No, no, I’m not calling you a dummy. It’s just the name of the book.
Bullshit!
No, seriously. It’s um… It’s the book I learned from.
Really?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
And how do I know you’re any good?
You called me, sir. Give me your email address and I’ll send you a link to Amazon.com where you can buy the book.
Um… okay, thanks.
Oh, I can think of more scenarios, many of which will be familiar to anyone who has ever worked tech support. But in the interest of actually getting this post out I’ll leave those for another time. Feel free to add your own in a comment; I’ll probably revisit this sometime.
August 4, 2004 @ 2:19 pm
August 4, 2004 @ 2:34 pm
August 9, 2004 @ 12:01 am